I Was All Yours And You Destroyed Me – Letter To My Ex
Maybe you don’t remember me. Even in that case, I wouldn’t be surprised anyway…
Before you, my world stood upright, even though I had taken refuge in a fortress. Too much suffering and the fear of further damaging my already fragile heart.
But I always knew who I was, where I was, and the reasons behind my retreat.
My world stood up straight, yes, but that was before, before you. And then, You came into my life. And you swallowed it all up.
I was nothing, you know, so I wanted to become your everything. I have abandoned my fears to join your universe, to be one with him, with you.
I’ve become your satellite, turning all around, accessing all your requests.
All your requests but… but soon I realized that something was wrong.
And the questions kept on hitting my head.
Was I a trophy? Was I only good for your ego? Were you at least a little happy to know that the idiot I was, was waiting for you every minute of every day?
These questions kept dancing in my head. But the simplest of them was, “Why?”
My fortress, my gentle fortress, in which I had temporarily found peace and comfort, did not withstand your love onslaught.
Yet I thought, its walls were concrete, able to withstand everything. But that was a mistake.
When you got there, you managed to get through the cracks. Brick by brick, you accessed a little more to the person I was.
You convinced me that nothing that could hide behind these walls could frighten you. You convinced me that you could be my savior.
And I let you do it. Brick. By. Brick.
Until the collapse.
But in reality, I was the one to blame. I was warned, I was called “crazy,” I was told: “Beware, he is unable to love, don’t you see?”
I was asked why I couldn’t see what you were really doing. WHO you really were.
Why, yes, one more why.
But this one, I can answer: because I couldn’t believe it. Because I was just too scared.
Turning your back, running away, was perhaps condemning me to live alone forever. No one else, I was convinced, could accept me as I was.
And I should be blamed for hoping that you would keep your promises, that you would save me as you had whispered to me.
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When I should have just saved myself.
I still didn’t understand it at the time, but no one can save us, other than ourselves.
My vulnerability on a silver platter
I let you into the darkest corners of my mind, I showed you my deepest pains, I let all the pain slip away.
Your presence in my life looked more and more like an addiction.
The sound of your voice, your thoughts, your hands on my skin. The smell of yours. And then the hair of your hair, intoxicating, intoxicated.
One day I read that true love is like air, water, or blood, whether it helps you survive.
I found it terrifying, and I realized that your love was insistent, perhaps not as natural as I had felt.
I have regained my spirits: there is no way to allow myself this idea of needing you to survive.
So I told you it would be better if we kept our distance from now on. You didn’t want to hear anything, and the little will I had flown away.
You said to me, “Please stay. I can’t live without you.”
And I believed you.
You remained my priority. It must be said that you have taken down your cards with a masterful hand.
Even when you weren’t there, we shared every little detail of our lives, every day. You made your way in my life so silently that I didn’t even really realize that you had become my world.
So why, why go to so much trouble to end up just destroy everything?
I tried so hard to avoid this drama, but the universe had something else in store.
By dint of persuasion, I let myself be charmed. You always knew what to say and when without leaving room for doubt.
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Then mine have weakened over time… You were so sweet, so attentive.
Until one day, I wake up with this powerful and unrivaled feeling, which told me that you were the one I wanted to be with. Forever.
And I shared it with you…
I didn’t know yet that I was setting off a time bomb at the same time.
Suddenly, you changed.
No more long messages, no more extended conversations. Everything you liked about me before seemed to annoy you to the utmost.
You didn’t have time to give me, either, and that puzzled me.
It made me feel guilty. I wasn’t good enough. I did something wrong, maybe? And I’ve changed everything. Everything I was.
I annihilated the person I was to become the person I thought was who you wanted me to be.
You see, it’s me sitting there, waiting piously next to my phone. But you had better things to do than listen to me, and you hated my fits of tears when you finally showed up to me.
You’ve begun to view my constant availability as pathetic.
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And it was, after all.
You made me go through hell, to choose other people, other women over me. I could feel you slipping through my fingers like burning sand.
Every grain of your being that I dropped was another piece of me that I lost, that I returned to the sea. Bitter.
Mad with pain, I hunted all the people who dared to speak ill of you.
I had to defend you because if I didn’t, I would have proved to these people that they were right and that I was wrong. It would have been to admit that I was stupid and blind all this time, to an unimaginable point.
So I lost people who cared about me too.
And then it was over.
You left nothing but ashes.
So here I am, today, fighting against the exhaustion that this love (love?) has left in my mind, my heart, and my body, even.
All that time spent thinking of excuses to continue to love you took all the strength I had left. I was stubborn and proud, but in a way that should have prevented this story from happening.
When I finally realized that by loving you, I lacked respect, my pain eased a little.
It was the only way for a woman to love you; there were no other ways. No one else could have done better.
You were the problem. But I didn’t realize all this until much later. When you left, you had no shame in telling me that this was all a mistake.
It was a mistake. Your words still resonate with me.
I hope that one day you will be in my place. Someone you thought was the best thing that ever happened to you told you that you were actually the worst.
I hope you meet someone like you. A monster of indifference. And that when you have her in her skin, she will get rid of you.
Only then will you be able to understand the depth of the pain.
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You’ll understand those words that came out of me in torrents as I tried to tell you how you destroyed me.
I sank; you left me alone, in a ship that was taking on water.
I spent countless nights crying; you were nowhere.
To accumulate despair and violent rage.
Not against you. But against me. Me, so weak and pathetic, who only wanted one thing: that you come back to me.
All I wanted was for you to come back and fix everything.
That you’re stitching the wounds, you created. That you change that sense of betrayal and make me forget your deceptions, your lies, your false promises.
Every night I felt like I was witnessing a murder. And every night, I was the one to be murdered.
What could be worse than loving someone who stole everything from you?
Even after everything you had done, my stupid heart would have given you another chance if you had come back.
I Was All Yours And You Destroyed Me – Letter To My Ex
The journey was long.
I could not convince him, this silly heart, that the man I loved did not exist.
Even today, I don’t know how to explain why I thought so much that you looked like the man I wanted to love.
That the character I had fallen in love with was just that, a name – a fantasy to which I had given life.
I still loved you, but I ended up finding in me the strength to take you out of my life. To burn every memory I had of you, of us, every connection we had shared.
I am healing up, inch by inch, and day after day.
But I can promise you one thing is that none of those who come after me will love you with a heart as pure as mine.
Something about how she kisses you will be familiar to you—a taste of already-seen.
When you need a helping hand, someone who will be willing to listen to you and understand you without judgment, you will understand the extent of your mistake.
All these years I’ve given you, they’ll come back to haunt you in the form of our favorite songs. Perfume. From a flower or perhaps from a look.
You will continue to stumble upon films that we have watched together, places we have visited, and my laughter will echo that of those others who will always taste too little.
Today, it doesn’t matter anymore –
I erased you.
And thank you. Sounds strange, doesn’t it, to say thank you to someone who broke you?
But you have been a valuable life lesson that I will never forget.
I wondered if, at some point in the past, a woman would have broken you so much that you would then decide to hurt any woman you could as a way to balance your pain. An eye for an eye…
That was two years ago, just like it was yesterday. That was a long time ago.
Now I’ve become stronger. I even think I’m cured. I know you’ll never apologize for the pain you’ve caused.
But this letter is not only intended for you: it is also for me.
So I apologize to myself, I forgive myself, and I promise to love better the courageous and independent woman I have become.
Take care and thanks a lot for your time!